Have you met us? Meddling in your affairs for our national self interest is kind of our thing. What part of everything we’ve done since the Monroe Doctrine don’t you get? I mean bugging your phones is pretty weak tea for us. Do you know how much cigar shrapnel Castro is still pulling out of his ass? Besides, if it makes you feel any better the government isn’t doing anything to you that they ain’t doing to us. See, right there, boom, they’re spying, get this, they’re spying on our studio, and I’m literally saying that into a camera that is going to broadcast, it seems kind of redundant.
So look, world, you want an apology, fine, we’re sorry, that you forgot that we are kind of dicks. You know what, all nations act in their own self interest, don’t act like your shit don’t stink, it does, and we know because we have a super-secret program that it goes through. By the way, Germany, you might want to ease up on the, everything you eat and drink. France, you don’t like our hubris now, you sure liked it when you handed off the Vietnam War. “Could you hold this war for us a little bit, we have something to do in Algeria”. Pakistan, you know that some of those drone strikes were at your request, and by the way, when were you going to tell us that Bin Laden was crashing on your couch?
And you, Germany, yeah, you, do I really have to justify myself to a country that invaded Poland because they thought Poland was looking at them funny, so get over it or better yet, turn that frown upside down. Don’t think of us an an overly aggressive paranoid superpower, think of us as what anyone’s looking for in a partner, a good listener, a great listener, the best listener in the history of the world.”